Ministering Angels

A couple of weeks ago I experienced a few days of deep brokenness. On the same day that I learned my friends' 15yo son had drowned, I also suffered a betrayal from someone I had considered a fairly close friend. As someone who is generally able to muddle thru even the toughest days and who is not much for crying, I found myself unable to do much more than sit and cry endlessly. It just all seemed like too much. 

While the betrayal hurt and felt like an extra burden, the tears were much more as a result of feeling so utterly heart-broken for my friends. When I saw them at the funeral home they, as is often the case, seemed to do more to encourage me and speak words of peace to me than I did for them. In a very uncharacteristic show of emotion, I teared up while talking to them, but managed to hold it together until I got outside and then...the floodgates opened. And I wept. For hours. I missed a birthday party for a special person in my life because I could not stop crying. I finally cried myself to sleep and awoke in the morning only to have the tears begin afresh.

I expressed to Tim my confusion because I have dealt with some horrific tragedies in our ministry to others, but never had I felt such an uncontrollable need to sob. I cried for hours that morning and pulled myself together enough to walk into church without causing a scene. The tears began to fall again during worship, I sniffed my way through the message and then I bawled like a baby during worship at the end of church. I left by myself to go home and get lunch ready and I cried so hard on the way home that I thought I'd have to pull over. In my desperation to understand why I was struggling so, I cried out to the Lord. I asked Him why I was experiencing such uncharacteristic brokenness. Now don't get me wrong, I have felt devastated for people I have cared about before and I have shed tears as I watched their pain, but this was different. This felt like such a personal loss and I told Him that as I drove. 

I truly felt almost like I had lost a child and was mourning as a distraught Mama would mourn the loss of one of her own babies and, as soon as I voiced that to Him there in the quietness of my car, I felt deep inside that He told me I was right. He told me that He was allowing me to bear some of the Mama grief for my friend because she had 2 memorial services she was speaking at to honor her son and she needed to be able to help her other children process their own grief. As strange as it may sound, I knew at the moment that this was what it would feel like to lose a child and, while my friend would have a lifetime to mourn, for these few days He was letting me shoulder some of her pain.

I came home and texted my friend and told her what the Lord had shown me and she said she wasn't surprised because from the first time we had met we had a deep heart connection. In that moment of confirmation, the pain I felt suddenly went from feeling like a weight upon my shoulders to a holy privilege that I carried with care.

Now my reason for sharing all this isn't even to highlight the part I played in what happened that weekend, but rather to set the stage to share how the Lord ministered to me in a deeply profound way in my distress. For when you are a part of the Body of believers, He allows us to be ministered to by some we know will be by our side always and others who He puts in our path to lift up our arms in unexpected ways...and that happened for me that weekend. 

He, of course, used Tim, my kids and my parents to love me and let me cry when I needed to, regardless of what I might be neglecting at the time. He used Karen, the one who I always say is the reason I am not in a padded cell yet, to encourage me, check on me, pray for me and offer to do whatever I needed her to do. He used Kim and the rest of our Bloom leadership (Mikki, Amanda, Shelley and April) to pray for me and to encourage me and to release me from any need I might feel to be there for others because they had it all covered. He let Anthony and Rachel come over Saturday night to check on me because He knows laughter is good medicine and they were the perfect ones to make that happen. He allowed my dear friend, Tonja, to be able to be at church that Sunday and I was able to sit with her and her husband, Bengie. This was so huge for me because, when I finally came totally unglued at the end of service, Tonja held me and rubbed my back and kissed my head and did what she does best...she mothered me. He let a lady who I have not gotten to spend much time with, Betty, come up and pray for me without knowing exactly what she was praying for. He allowed my sweet friend, Michelle, to give me one of the best hugs I've ever had and then take me by my shoulders and look deep into my eyes and tell me she loved me. He used Lisa and Nic and so many others, so many that I know I'm leaving some out, to simply give me a hug because they knew words were not necessary. And He used them, all of them, to remind me of this very important scriptural principle...

we need each other!!!

Those who love us are important when times are good, but those who love us are essential when we are hurting. He also showed me that, while He often has me on the giving end in times of need, it's okay to admit when I'm the one who is hurting and has needs. 

That weekend taught me a lot. It made me realize, first and foremost, that life can change in an instant and so we need to keep short accounts with each other. It made me realize that having good friends is a gift and being a good friend is a privilege. It made me even more attune to the pain and needs of others and it gave me a renewed desire to work at relationships and not let petty disagreements cause us to get sideways. 

I'm thankful He always uses pain for our good when we yield to Him and I pray He will forever let me remember the first weekend of August 2016!!

He Shouldn't Always Have to Shout

Tim is reading a book by John Ortberg entitled, "God is Closer Than You Think", and he was sharing with me some portions out of it this morning. What he read to me piggybacked perfectly on what I had already read and been meditating on this morning and that usually means (to me anyway) that God might be trying to make a point.

John Ortberg said, 'So why doesn’t He (God) send us all dreams every night? Why doesn’t he make every day a rainbow day and send epiphanies twenty-four-seven? Maybe it’s because God wants us to learn to see him in the ordinary rather than be dependent on the extraordinary. Maybe it’s because if God regularly satisfied our demand for special effects it would be like a mother who inadvertently trains her children to pay attention only when she raises her voice.'

This is the reality, for those of us who love Jesus, know His word, read His word and walk intimately with Him (at least the majority of days), He is always speaking to us. That is why He tells us that we should hide His word in our hearts because...

every part of Scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another—showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God’s way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us.

The difficulty comes when we become dissatisfied with usually hearing from Him the way everyone else does (through his Word, either when reading it or having Him bring it to the forefront of our minds at a specific time) and we start needing to go from one "God told me" moment to the next. The reason this becomes dangerous thinking is that we can end up using it to promote self's ability to hear rather than God's ability to speak!!! 

God doesn't suffer from bouts of laryngitis. He is never restricted from speaking to us...ever. To circle back around to John Ortberg's example of the mother who must raise her voice to get the attention of her children, she had never lost her ability to speak. Her children had just lost their ability to hear unless she shouted.

I wrote a blog post a few years ago and I made the observation that there must be beauty in the mundane, everyday rhythms of life because, otherwise, the extraordinary would become the standard and not one person can maintain that for very long without becoming burned out and exhausted. The same is true when it comes to hearing, or more appropriately "listening", to God.

Now, before you start getting your panties in a wad and think I'm saying there are not times that God speaks to us in a more momentous and time-stopping way...I'm not. There are definitely times, to use the mother analogy again, when I gather my children (or a specific child) to me and begin by saying, "Look, I really need you to listen to what I'm about to say because it's important." I'm a firm believer that God has those moments with us because I've experienced them. I've had those experiences in church, one time in particular, when everyone else may as well have gone home because the message He was delivering through the pastor was just for me. There have been other times when I've heard that still, small voice whisper in my ear and there have been times when I've been halted in my tracks because He has bellowed for me to, "Stop", or otherwise I would be walking straight into danger!! 

It happens...I just don't think it happens all the time because then we would become immune to all the special, everyday moments He gives us. Similarly, if this were the case, our "Eucharisteo" (our ability to express gratitude) would be reduced to only thanking Him when He did the extraordinary...and what parent wants that to happen? I think maybe...just maybe...the problem oftentimes is that we become distracted by the voices we are surrounded by, not to mention the voices in our own heads, and shouting may be His only option to gain back our attention. And truth be told, I think sometimes we give Him credit for speaking things that He really doesn't want to be credited with because it really wasn't His voice we heard at all. 

Thank You, Lord that You give us the ability to see You in the everyday, mundane, coming and goings of our lives. Thank You that You are as intimately involved in our lives when You speak to us in a relaxed way, such as through Your word, as You are when You seemingly stop time in order to get a point across to us. Thank You that I need not focus on my great ability to hear You, but I can rest in the knowledge that You are constantly speaking to me thru Your Word and will make sure I hear what I need to hear when I need to hear it because You will never lose Your ability to speak.

Donkeys and Siri and Other Ways God Speaks to Us

As I sit down to write this morning, I am so excited that I am praying my fingers can keep up with the rate at which my mind is spinning and needing to get the words down on paper (which is actually a screen, but I prefer to think of it as paper). I am a firm believer that God still speaks to us in a myriad of ways, just as he did in the Bible. I do think we need to be careful when we say, "God said...", or "God spoke...to me", because sometimes I think we put words in His mouth to manipulate situations, but I digress. The point of this post is to share with you that God spoke this morning and we need to listen!!

I was texting with a friend and we were discussing the pruning that God is doing in our own lives and the pruning that we see Him doing in our Body of believers. During our conversation I was type-texing and my friend was using Siri to speak-text. My friend's message to me through Siri was that God had shown her it was time to quit focusing on the pruning and to start focusing on the growth that we are seeing as a result of it. Growth in our own lives and growth in our Body. But here's the thing...

Siri changed the word "growth" to the word "eucharist". 

Eucharist!! 

I don't know about you, but there is nothing that sounds the least bit similar in the words "growth" and "eucharist". I can't imagine anyone saying, "We need to focus on the 'growth' He's bringing about", and me saying, "I'm sorry, did you say we need to focus on the 'eucharist'?"  It's just not going to happen!! Now this may not rouse the same degree of excitement in you as it did my friend and me (okay, maybe we were initially a little freaked out at first) because you might not understand what the word "eucharist" really means.

The word "eucharist" in Greek is the word "echaristia" and in Hebrew it is the word "berekah". All 3 of them simply mean, " thanksgiving or praise for the wonderful work of God." Additionally, the root of "eucharist" is the word "charis" which means "grace" and it also encompasses the word "chara" which means "joy". Are you starting to see it now? We were looking at pruning from the simple standpoint of growth, but God (by way of Siri) was saying...

"My pruning should be something you give praise and thanksgiving for because of the work I'm doing in bringing forth incredible grace and joy in your midst."

Suddenly "growth" seems like a measly and insufficient word when you compare it to "eucharist"!! And the crazy part is that God used Siri to help remind us what He is doing in our midst.

Now I'm sure some of you may think I inhaled too many paint fumes last week while I was refinishing furniture and that I'm creating something that isn't there just for the purpose of having something to write about, but may I remind you that God used a donkey to speak to Balaam in the Bible. Read it for yourself in Numbers 22:21-35. It's right there. God had sent an angel of the Lord to speak to Balaam, but he kept missing it. The donkey didn't, though. The donkey saw the angel every single time and tried to get Balaam's attention and finally, when it seemed like Balaam was just going to miss out on God entirely it says "God gave speech to the donkey". God was so determined that Balaam not miss what He was doing that He used a donkey and made it talk.

That is why I am fully convinced that if God can use a donkey back then He can use Siri now and this is why I think He did it...

I can get so consumed sometimes by how painful the process of pruning is in my own life and in what I see going on around me that I miss out on the purpose for the pruning. His purpose for pruning in our lives and in His Body as a whole is always to remove anything that causes us to be unhealthy or weighed down by unnecessary, non fruit-producing baggage so that we can experience growth and so that His work of grace and joy in our lives has the freedom to flourish. Pruning is always for our good! ALWAYS!!!

How thankful I am that I can be assured that, while never pleasant at the time, I will always look back on the pruning process and see the purpose...even though it may take a while. How thankful I am for the grace and joy that I am witnessing in my own life and in the lives of those I get to walk with and do life with. 

And how thankful I am that God can use a virtual assistant named Siri to make sure we don't miss out on what He is ultimately doing!!!

Lord, I thank You that You have no limits and no restrictions on how You can speak to us! I thank You that You love us so much that You will stop us dead in our tracks to get our attention so we can witness firsthand what You are doing. Thank You for the pruning that You have recently been doing in me, personally, and thank You for the pruning in our Body. May You find us faithful in obeying what we know You have laid out for us to do and may we all rejoice together at the grace and joy that is bursting forth in our midst. I want You to continue to "create in me a clean heart" even if it means cutting away those things I continue to allow to hinder the process. I love You, Lord, and I love watching the way You work!!

It's Not About Me......

It can be easy sometimes to wonder if God really sees all that's going on and cares about all of it. I'm here to tell you He does.

I recently acquired Hannah's old bedroom in a rather extensive room swap that went on around here. I waited almost 26 years, but I finally have my own space...an office/craft room. Last night I was getting things organized in there and I came across 2 index cards that I had written out many years ago and had not seen in at least 4 years because they had been tucked away in a drawer. I pulled them out and began to read them and wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry because they were exactly what I needed to read after a day that was hard on my heart…

So there it was, His quiet explanation and reminder that…

It's not about ME!!!!

I'm not here to tell you that relational discord is easy, enjoyable or any less hurtful the more it happens. I AM here to tell you that none of it…NONE OF IT…goes unnoticed by Him!!!

Today is a new day with new mercies. Weeping may last for a night, but JOY comes in the morning. May we each experience a day filled with gentle reminders of His intimate involvement in every minute detail of our lives and may we be filled with joy because of it!!!

Life is Hard...

I needed to revisit this post yesterday and today (and maybe a few more days till I can let some things go) and so I thought maybe someone else might need to read it, too...

Life is hard!!! Can I get an, "Amen"? There are so many situations and so many cases of relational tension that can make us feel like life is a set of land mines we must successfully navigate without getting blown up. Add to that being in full time ministry, and it can feel very lonely and challenging at times. Tim and I really desire to take the high road in situations that arise because we know the other option can cause too much collateral damage and we don't want to go there. It can be quite an inward fight, though, because my flesh doesn't particularly like the high road! Ha!!

There was one day in the last 6 months that I was feeling very broken. I had cried and ranted to the Lord until I felt like a rung out dishcloth. One thing I kept reiterating to Him (like I thought He didn't understand it the first 14 times I spewed it out) was that it didn't seem fair that often times the people we invest the most in are the ones who hurt us the most. Now, I realize life is rarely "fair" and, as Tim tells our kids..."We don't live at the fair!!"...but it still seemed like the scales of justice and rightness were tilted decidedly against me. As I sat in the corner of my room, curled in the safety of my recliner, I had no sooner gotten my statement of injustice out for the umpteenth time when I heard His still, small Voice in a most powerful way. He didn't bellow like an exasperated parent or cut me down with a sarcasm borne of frustration. He simply said...

"I know, remember Judas."

I instantly felt my body's rapid intake of breath as the force of His words felt like a punch to my gut. His intention was not to deliver a blow, but His words hit me as such.

"Remember Judas."

The one whom He selected. The one whom He treated like everyone else. The one whom He invested in, spent time with, taught, laughed with and shared His most intimate thoughts with on a daily basis. The one whom He knew, before he had ever answered the call to follow, would be His betrayer. The one whom He knew would deliver a lethal kiss for a few lousy coins.

"Remember Judas!!" 

It became a rising crescendo in my brain...echoing with the weightiness of what those words signified in my own life. Jesus chose to invest in Judas in exactly the same way He invested in the other 11. He washed Judas' feet and then  He let them know that this seemingly devoted follower was about to deliver a devastating blow to them all.

"Remember Judas!"

2 simple words that radically changed the way I looked at things. 

Now I'm not going to lie and say that all of a sudden the rejection and betrayal didn't hurt. I'm not going to tell you that He changed my circumstances or made me okay with being cast off and cut off. What He did do was identify with my struggle like no one else had ever done. I had a Saviour, a sovereign intercessor, who had experienced everything I had...only He knew it was going to happen and He went there anyway!!!

"Remember Judas!!"

 There have been a number of times since then that I have found myself on the receiving end of a hurtful revelation. There have been times when my kids have hurt me, my husband has hurt me or those in the church have hurt me and I want to dive under the safety of my covers and stay there. Each time, though, I hear His gentle whisper remind me...

"Remember Judas."

Just yesterday a discovery had me stopped in my tracks and wishing I could wring a certain person's neck. No sooner had I felt that familiar stiffening of my back and knot forming in my stomach than I stopped and laughed. It was the first time I hadn't heard the whisper, but had actually turned to Him instead with a chuckle and said...

"I know. Remember Judas!!"

I am certainly not saying my tassel has been turned and I won't ever need Him to take me by the shoulders, look deep in my eyes and remind me of this simple, yet oh so powerful, truth. It was a day of victory for me, though, when I realized I had caught myself before I got too far down the "poor me" path. 

Are you struggling with hurt? Betrayal? Have you been cut off by someone who you have spent intentional time investing in on a regular basis? I'm not going to lie...it stinks!!!! I encourage you to sit down and take a deep breath, though, and...

"Remember Judas!!"

Lord, thank You for the way You are so intimately involved in every facet of my life. Thank You for always knowing exactly what I need to hear and when I need to hear it. Thank you for loving my friends as much as You love me and for Your willingness to remind us all to...

"Remember Judas!"